Autistic Catastrophy
A zine by Squee - Poetry!!!
So sweet, so sweet it hurts
But you can never over look
The hints, the subtle hints
Passively controlling perhaps unaware
You can't think much or say much or do much
Just keep a tally of them as they pour out
When it's all over you try to blame yourself
But you know you can't, you know you lost
You start to develop a callous Scar tissue builds up
Becoming more apathetic and jaded daily
What really matters to you anymore
Does it pass the time?
You can never fully trust
Never, never...
You try harder every time, not to be fooled
It's not a skill you can master
An infinite amount of possible scenarios
The way people organize, organize their thoughts
organize their friends, their inner social group
So manipulative, the organization un conscience
It brings you to the same places every time
A different person takes the lead
Suddenly you realize you have to play your own games
Life just isn't fair when you try to be honest
Some try to un-veil your deepest secrets
Then try to use them against you
After all, I guess it's just paranoia
And I can't say much more
Poor poor little savy language heater mustard
Did you really start that fire... macho macho
Silly salad eaters, try some tomato skins
Fetus... fetus? FETUS? Beatleguise
Fishing in the swimming pool... human bait
One size fits all... shoe repair demolition derby
He can fly without a cape... goth robes
Inside the chambers of your heart light light
Saw to stomach Cheese Grader to Throat
Inch worm... 30 foot basketball player SLAM DUNK!
Prestine Jehovahs Witness... mormon bong rip
Class Race Sex.... huh-huh, he said sex
Is satan your sex slave... did you lick prunes?
The chap stick applying behavior was negativly reinforced by the end of a chapped nightmare
Rubber rubbish running red ricky roo
I can utilize my spleen
Virgin temptress
A cradle of goldenrod
Roses and babies breath
Spy's dressed to look incognito
hiding behind the oak trees with cameras
The developer is jaded
Whose life will unfold in the dark room
In the dark, putting together puzzles
Assumption assumption
There's a pinhole at the bottom of this cup
I'm filled with the devils blood
Drip drip, my impatience... only one drop at a time
Nothing to replace it with
I need angel seemin
Please come visit me tonight dressed in glowing white
God is just a archatypal in my warped mind
The god mind is warped too
It laughs at me in my own voice
Lyched men hanging from my celing
Suicide in Black and White... or was it murder?
Murder at the hands of society, blunt and cold-blooded
Their lizard tongues flickering at my heart
Their venom stings, forked tongued serpants
In a creative daze, dangleing by copper wire
Electricity lighting up my pixles of illousion
My dog doesn't know me, i don't know me
Crappy pappy shoot galore
I read a big pretty hell of a store
Wacky tobaccy a sense of the shore
Tip the road trip management whore
Blind with a bat and a cop on a string
Swing and a miss he has condoms for me
Catalac comaro cars i can't spell
But what's important to me is that you do well
5 picky 6 touche in my wrists
English brown hen so fat from rich livin
Flock diddy plock piddy paddy pumpity wump
Clever miss Haffer green pepper shit lump
Thy thie soup de la crem
randy dill whippers she said to the pen
Indy rock wag the tail of my pig
Corcky rick droyfis incest my mad lib
ICky bin stickey bin shifty eye bin laden
Poofy bush snoopy bush monkey faced george
REGESTER MY KITE AND MY PADDLE BOAT
RACER RACER RACIST!!!!
He was a genious drivin mad by the clockwork killing of the weaklings. Found in a dumpster was his penis covered in cow intestines reaking of fishies. Drowned in a pool of thought kept safe inside without sanity, faking illness deprived of changing. Consistant safety inevitable braking the order of his neck ties where oh so shaking. Hands trembling mouth shouting profane devil speak. Arranged so nicely where his death tools. He was found dead up top the sky scrappers with a corck skrew shoved through his chest. It took forces of adrehnilin, pounding heart beat makes ever more blood splurge. Grey and frozen in his peak of depression, inside his pockets where mud and live worms. Eating away at his lifeless flesh the worms live on to say the rest. Struck with lightning of inspiration and desparation the worms took over the functioning of his body. Acting as a host his life drained head rambled on with worms for a tongue. Speaking of mysery crying about lost fantasy the corpse walks on even though it's dead.
scrambled fecies smearing digest your toad worms
fortune teller death red card of doom bling bling
inches aweay from fetus integration dismember your head
finger tips toughing each other gracefull sin bearing
boulder for another treat tip toed through the nail salon
a bloom of five corn husks inside your death head
caress your bousoms blind soldier sent to wither away
second helpings for your crime you get two whippings
indigestion temperture rises sky mile street sign
scrape skin layers baring blood puddles sticky
cum face rumple stiltskon skeleton man eater
spider lizard spin webs of token reinforcement forgive
shit covered candy boy bubble gum bracelet fantasy
tongue of the spirit of thanatos rage burning hair
foul smell poof a rich dude dude of the rich west
spinal tap trip scaring little girls of eleven and a half
cringe bitter beer face old man old woman drink poison
smoke smog myst muttered fred alas a forbidden trinket
bone crushing hammer slut devour cock ruthless wench
she's never there she's there but not there not here
wence lifted percent of your time piece spelling correction
rubble rine stone pebble green red yellow flag burner
hidden in salad writing fallicy ridden breath disgusting
good feeling short stay euphoric tricky emotion despenser
cup filled empty air filled polution traced finger prints
Left down street party
I dream of fly paper
Life as a sky scraper
Lines left dust spots
Progress reaks scold
Cold industry turkey
Scared of television
conscience like a stream of river of blood of cells of split thought of sliced emotion of recycled habbit, never once never twice, but always again and again and again. The cosmic mind of never being went horseshoe over the dog trail. It's meat grinding curiosity, to find elves of imp and mighty midgets. Run toaster, faster bed pan, faster catharsis. Instant forgiveness, shit forgive, always protection books of totalitarianism... what? Ignorance, of course... in spite, despite, always up-side your tension head.
We live on this fucked up sphere
Surviving off of its fungis
The tree's are like a bacteria
The animals are like a virus
Spinning through oblivion
Around and around and around
If we all die
the sphere
will
still be
there
you are like lice in my hair
itching my trigger finger
always begging for the bullet
what you want is an atom bomb
a heart palpitation
a radio station
a new shit weekly dedication
Fasinated with your death
Ostrasized by your killers
Suicide conditioned rat in a cage
Taught to think your life away
Analize this and spew forth rubbish
you are the person that i find to be the most disgusting
you are the ape that got a hold of the mighty gun powder
you are the trap that was set to catch the enlightened police
you are the grim reaping soldier of hate
Come forth with your power and glory
Come into this world boreing
Come into that fast lane penetration
Auto crash dead dead, but living until the end dead
Cold lifeless finger tips
The feeling in your cock
Organ grinding climax
Creative inanimate object fucking
Nun suicide death
blood in the bath tub
only eating the pulp
pin head bound to a metal bed
trying to escape
as surgical tools lay near
Dead hands touching your asshole
Erotic pleasure, no pain yet
The ropes get tighter
and you're crying out jumble
burning feeling around your wrists
legs held apart by a pole
no escape or enjoyment anymore
zombie skin caress your sholders
and everything fades to white
Covered in spider webs
The mangled corpse crept
Through the corridoor
Leaving footprints of black blood
Her sunken eyes moved over me
She let out a moan
My arousal didn't bring on fear
But a sense of sexual desire
I held my arms out
Willing to embrace
At that moment she fell to the floor
Weaping as if a horrible memory
had come to pass
I took off my clothes and mounted her
The feeling of her dry skin
Pale and thin
Made my erection pulsate
The scent of death tickled my nose
Thoughts of guilt consumed me
I ignored them
In persuit of climax
The intercourse began
And a numb sensation took over
My heart was beating slower
Then it came to a complete stop
My eyes rolled up into the back of my head
And I fell on top of her
I had died
And now I lay beside my lover
Love is dead
you watched as he suffered
you suffered as you watched
as he watched you he suffered more
and you both suffer feeding off each other
The body was found at 2 pm
In a shallow pool of water
Mixed with blood
Skin soft and pruned
The testicles were removed
And the penis crawled with maggots
The torso was cut open
Filled with worms and roaches
The eyeballs hung from their sockets
And the legs where broken
Spinal fluid had been drained
There was little blood in the body
Some teeth were missing
The tongue was forked
No conclusions could be drawn
Sifting through the sands
Sorting and descriminating
Seeking for fools gold
Looking to be bound and gagged
Searching through the night
Your future already planned
Street corner to street corner
No one with an open hand
Pecking at the keyboard
Age Sex Location Pic
Impersonalized cyber finder
Find her?
Sucking on scum
Fit inside our little box
Wings are clipped to spite us
Wrapped around your finger
Broken aching back
Fist to face to ground to space
Nothing so subtle
Blind and def and dumb
Torn appart
in between
right and right
Left unfilled
Boiled down to
wrong and wrong
Ego devoid
Choosing from
Cause to Cause
My words let her read my mind
Peer into my heart
where my voice is at
Hidden in the vines
A door burried away
As my stomach turns
What's more frightening then love
Where are we going this time?
Life just out of arms length
Grasping my angst
And I return to the inevitable
Loneliness
Growing sick of myself
Looking back on it all
I'll never be
Resting in my hands, my fate
Laying still, pretending I'm dead
And she screams
Take that razor blade
Scrape through transparent
Misunderstood urges
Let your impulses rust
Broken mirrors of trust
Shadows leading to assumption
And invisible wounds
Our minds fly in and out
Reality is left behind
Dreams confused
Fingerprints washed away
On the door step of insanity
Knocking, banging, ringing
Ears hear no thinking
Fresh sweat filled goblet
Tormenting world view
The zippers shutting
Mystifying nature
Stop! and thoughts fall
Guided by candle light
The crippled old man
With jaw sunk low
Crept through sand
Time was insperable
Inches away from
Youth in his head
Wasting away
His human flesh
Wrinkled and balding
The stink of old skin
Muttering storys
to himself
Where the innocent mind skipped over
Selected attention left optimistic
No skepticism blinded to the darkness
When scolded he strolled laughing
That story you've heard before
The van the man the candy to share
With acception no pause he took
Drugged and soiled left in shock
Tied up stuck in a hole in the dirt
Something slightly disturbing
Too vague to get the full picture
Thoughts apear here and there
Before it all happened was halo
And the innocent thoughts ran rampant
Through the streets giggleing
Playing with a big red ball
When hurt it said ouch
Wasn't afraid to cry
All s/he knew was hirself
Before hirself was replaced
With a self taught to replicate
Spreading lies about what's real
When real was just a happy thought
Never ment to wash away
I'll articulate what i feel
Brewing in my soul
Someone will be touched
And they'll know the name
We all share together
The thing that binds us
Don't be afraid
To be touched by a hand
Though it is crippled
Worn and torn
Your imputance will fade
That which intimidates
Will slip away
The needle of expression
Sew the fantasy
With thread of desire
Passing through
Fabric of creativity
This scarf is life
The id of the man
Bursting with passion
But superego keeps shape
Shaping and molding
Conditioning of behavior
And the needle is dulled
This scarf is filthy
With perverted ideas
I am everyone
So I can be anyone
But I choose to be noone
This is my creed
Of originality
My scars comming out of their cacoon
Larva of the maggot species
Destroy to fill the gap between
Me and the beast that is
What star will burn out now
When leaves change colors
To seek out filthy salvation
Test the circutry
Push my buttons
Wings break through
And I fly away
Nails digging into my palms
Fists dripping with blood
Teeth grinding together
Breath shallow and short
Heart beating with rage
Fear of this state
Angst ridden fate
My life I medicate
Anger on a plate
Need to express
I feel so repressed
But I can't articulate
Those things that I hate
This song sounds like love
That's the thought I had at that moment
Nothing static about that
I can't predict myself
I'm scared, nothings fixed
But somethings are like
Boys who rub my nipples
And girls who pluck my asshole hair
Some wounds will never be mended
But she freezes the filling in the cup
For a moment that lasts forever
It's so different to feel a gentle touch
On my arms instead of cuts
And I can close my eyes and trust
That this liquid isn't poison
Some things you search your whole life for
That you can never fully believe you've found
Persistantly trying to deny
She understands the contrast
And knows the escape
Indudging in her addiction
The feeling she needs to express
It makes her whole
Fills the hole
Deeper then me
What I used to be
Must have gone through it for her
As if divine fate were true
I'm glad I can understand
What she goes through
The little help I am
Must go a long way
To put a smile on a sad face
An umbrella in the rain
little round substance
like small white candy
drop into my stomach
with a splash of sedation
the slow on-set
numbing my senses
thoughts slowing
water turning to sludge
and I'm turning off
when I come back
the puzzle won't be fixed
emotions out of place
like scattered bricks
poisoned by psychiatry
destroy'd by biology
chemistry
neurology
pathology
misanthropy
a taste of purity
spoiled with fantasy
degrading philosophy
and I dip my skin
in the transparent liquid
soaking in the heat
sweat
beat red skin
and tattered hopes
all around selfish
for the worlds happiness
and we're all insects
ugly
hard body
crawling under the sun
in the experiment
The philosophy
of transcending the curse
of being tied down
to the world around you
individuality
cut away from
the thoughts of others
refusing to take in
external stimuli
and denying the thoughts
that try to seep through
the cracks in your defense
against cliche plasm
Don't stomp on the flowers
"Stop and smell the flowers"
you said to stop
I just can't stop picking flowers
I just can't stop counting back hours
If only I had the power
to quit while I'm ahead
She said "Don't you see that rainbow above?"
My eyes are too weak to see that
Exposed to chemicals like painful
and trust bandits from the center of earth
They're the center of their life
"I've been trying to push you away" she said
And my arms are like elastic holding you close
the love is fading away it seems
but it's just beginning to me
"the life is slipping away" she screamed
but I was just born yesterday
innocent and ignorant
as if the two were different
Step Up
Come one come all
Witness the victorious
Man from a dark place
A man with such a lovely face
Who's lovely and in love with
A woman who's seen shadows
Of people with-out heart beats
Who loves him back
With all concern and decency
See I'm that cup called a man
Filled with mystical feelings
All for one woman
Who took the cup out of the cubbard
And showed him to love
Not only her but himSELF
"What would I do with-out her" he said
And she drank another sip of his kiss
"She taught me to look past the mirror" he said
And she filled him up with love again
The man and woman with a future to be
He's a cup She's a crystal glass
Sipping each other forever last
Roses aren't in season
Rain drops are falling
Falling like me
It's cold out like death
Of something theoretical
Nervous like high risk
Some things haven't been said
Like why why why
Carpet burned skin
Healed from last month
A smile oh so fake
A mind frolicking through
A field of destroyed dreams
By locust of reality
Abstract diamonds
Burning cigarettes
From tranquil to torture
And back again
Sudden cardiac arrest
Paralyzed from the waist down
Stuck in a waste town
Electro convulsion tearity
Jolting like no clarity
And how it ends
Out with a bang... or no bang
Just unspoken words
Awaiting articulation
The inevitable unacceptable
In comprehensible disrespectful
Though of as the worse possible
Very despise able
Untimely and distasteful
Infliction unthoughtful
Oh so biological
Its run about unfathomable
Bereaving and hateful
Some are so fearful
Unfair and insatiable
Everlasting and un taste able
Same for all indiscriminately
Haunting us drearily
Interpretation un seemingly
Articulated so carefully
Stiff and immobility
Slow, fast, or painfully
Death
Sun after moon after noon after day in and day out
Feeling like there's nothing but ends and nothing in the end
Starting to realize how I'm treated - a means to an end
Use me use me use me however you want to baby
I'm just an empty egg a hollow shell
Stealing bases I'm coming home
The plate is alone and the plate has no food on it
Words never sounded so empty when repeated
Repetition so freely, like out of habit
The best way to describe a feeling is with action
Oh baby, I know it's love I know it's true love
We gotta make it through times like these
These times gotta make it seem real
Keep swatting flies, nuisances, annoyances
In an everlasting attempt to create perfection
With no bugs - errors errors errors
The warm gooey feeling of shit
Sluggish and smelly
Like my body - how it feels so vacant
I saw a girl with a heart pumping poison
And drank that poison
It made her live some more
Until I got sick and she got sick again
Then it was twice as miserable
Popping popping pills with alcohol
Trying to sleep through as much of life as possible
Away with my name and my fears
Gone with the rain drops and tears
I'm okay
She comes closer
Turns me in side out
It's okay
For her to take my hand
Which only shakes
But now it holds
Inter locking like zippers
Closed like my old mind
And those subjective things
Mean nothing
When lips share silence
As gentle as a mothers touch
Deeply in love
Discriminate giving
Fascination
Bridges over insecurities
My childhood burning
Away
Forgetting my self
Restless with doubt
My dreams are breaking
Thresh holds of safety
Pins stopped scraping
Flesh
She comes closer
Brings me out of down
Glorious sanctuary
Is everywhere she is
Like an idol god
Foot prints of diamonds
Tripping on roses
Spun out on lip stick
Injecting happiness
Snorting up glee
Vision of a misfit
One who lacks intellect
Doing things impulsively
Living chaotically
Oh how thoughts change
When the misfit speaks
And a mystical bout of genius
Erupts from its pierced lips
Misunderstood misfit
Prejudged and attention deficit
Expressing something taboo
In androgynous clothing
It doesn't look like you
Its kindness is so draining
And shocking
And so very remarkably sweet
If it could only please your eyes
Acceptance would be futile
Poor poor misfit
In the eyes of social perversion
Social passionless sheepishness
Returning only kindness
A true rebellion
Against standards
Aesthetic destruction
Beauty deduction
Property obstruction
Of the greatest kind
To that which is me
A quote from the gallows
The dying man said
The point is to live
Knowing it will all be forgotten
Moral debasement
Consciously content
Cognitively absent
That which reminiscent
Of me
And a thought from the empty
The thoughtfully displeased
A back stabbing cynic
Is what comes of dreams
My mind is a desert
Memories like cactus
Emotions like dirt devils
And the dunes of my heart
The bumpy road to satisfaction
And the vegetation I dream of
Someone plant some life in me
Put motivation in my soul
I feel like nothing but a grain of sand
Blowing in the wind
So dry and desolate
Absent of beauty
But in a sense
beautiful in itself
I guess life shoots a bullet
When you think the bullet's a blank
And pierces your guts
Rattles your tail like a snake
But I guess it's a friendly bullet
From a god who always cares
And if you put your faith in him
You just might live for many years
So I'm guessing and guessing again
About weeks which will come to pass
In a series of aches and sorrows
Some things just don't seem to last
Love is the holy virtue
And seems to fail again and again
When bullets fly from heaven
When life returns to "just friends"
So lets sit and count our bullets
Aimed at hearts to break
And think of all the hours
We thought of each other
And thought of no other
But one another
This life has its takes
Oh wallow how I might in this gloomy state of sincerity
My blessed tortured soul is in search of objectivity
But none will it find in the midst of this abyss
A crippled heart a broken, a testicle with a cyst
So I bid you all fare well - the chant of my being
I'm going away now forever, away from all loving
This is the song of a dying bird a flight
Up above in a moon light night
Torn down from the hate from below
Crying to itself only knowing a feeling hallow
The spitting eye caught my attention when a crumpled face looked my direction. A ghastly sight, a fortune to tell. The story of someone from out of hell. The rumble inside a head so square. Boxed-in thoughts and a blank slate stare. This twitching seductress reduced to a gawking display. Slowly deteriorating and withering away. It can not eat, nor sleep, nor speak. Historically isolated and meek. And so off balance and gravitated towards violent destruction> This person was shocked passed logical deduction. The build up of tragedy and quite the dark life. All bundled up in mental strife. The burning sensation felt deep in the heart. Kept a dead thing walking when all sanity came apart. A distorted shadow of a once civil being. A mangled, crawling, grotesque looking thing. A dash of black wisdom and the spice of blood lust. Never will this thing once more learn to trust. It's a shame I could say but perhaps for the best. That this inhuman thing be put to rest.
It came in my house one dreadful rainy night. When the lightning and thunder caused a sense of fright. I heard the sound of its shuffling feet. Coming towards my safe warming sheets. The bed I was in was usually cosy and calming. But not on this night when wild dogs were a howling. The thing was breathing asthmatically hard. I heard it mumbling indescribable garb. It came closer and closer until its breath was on my neck. Its cold crippled hand made my nerves a wreck. It touched my bare chest in a gentle way. With long finger nails it tickled me as I lay. And its breathing sped up in a particular fashion. Which reminded me of a steamy hot sexual passion. My muscles tensed and I was stiff like a board. My penis tingled and my blood pressure soared. My erection grew and my sweat glands poured. Thoughts of insertion passed through my gored.
A face I couldn't stand now an object of desire. In an act of lust I reached a feeling much higher. The thing was a beast human like in its shape. But when we made love it was more like an ape. From that day on my life had changed. Nothing could compare to that sweaty mange. Now I dream in the midst of the night. Of once again feeling the fright. And being reproached by that terrible demon. That took virgin thoughts and excreted my semen. It was a night of true romance, a life long fantasy. Just like a fiction book in consistency. Oh how I wish for just one repetition. The stinking old creature on the table in my kitchen. But never again will I experience this delight. For while in the acts of love it ended its plight.
My father, the thing, lived forty five years. For sixteen of those he brought me to tears. And on the last drunken evening when he finally died. I felt no remorse, not the least urge to cry. He gave me one last night of pleasure and pain. I called it an act of love when it was domination in his domain. And if you didn't guess, my search was a replacement for him. But never could I find a man so grim. So I give you these last words as I take the knife to my wrist. When your father dies he will always me missed.
No the knife didn't kill me but bled me asleep. I should've cut deeper but the wounds were quite steep. So I'm left to cope with this horrible past. A story for social workers to hear with a gasp. Now I eak through this life a suffering soul. Lost in a world where understanding is null. These images in my mind and the emotions I felt. Continue to haunt me and persist me to find help. So I take this pain and purge it onto a paper. With pen and ink I describe this caper. And when the stories done I'll give it to you. To spark a deep sensation subdued.
The empathy you can feel and give to me. Brings me power from the depths of the sea. Mind control is a simple manipulation. Taking advantage of you is quite the temptation. And driving me further into an ever growing art. The words that I pencil you will learn to bogart. Treasure them deeply for they're your holy book. Like the fish who prides his wound from a hook.
It's devastation and pity, myth, and incest. Things hard to stomach and harder to digest. The punch in your stomach from these short little prose. Are quite the experience of in depth morose. I keep begging you to beg me for one last little rhyme. A fine cut and ripple in the flow of time. Burned into the minds of one to a mill. Which ever it is it's quite the thrill.
I repeat this is therapeutic for me. And on with my life that's a shame to see. So I put this creativity to some use. To show a relation between life and abuse. You see it has all been a lie. My father, the monster, my motives, my cry. I love fiction to death and death praising fiction. Death gives life to dying descriptions. And it's only death which makes living worth while. For an eternal life would result in living idle. So I bid you fare well, so long, and good bye. Just remember how fun can be sly.
Looking into his own reflection was like staring at the sun. When he stared into his eyes the blindness begun. Clouded by thoughts in vanity. Narcissistic fantasies. His outrage was directed at the people who can't see. How gorgeous he is and what he can be. So he gathered images of celebration. Praising himself with words having positive connotation. And went out in the world a pretty little thing. Out for some fun and a one night fling. He's addicted to sex and the feeling of power. In the darkness of night he becomes a prowler. With a wink and a snare he's lined in your vision. He cuts into you like a fine incision. And desperate he is for his heart to be filled. The giant crack lets all his blood spill. A tormented soul with nothing to lose. Only relief from loneliness ensues. As he postures himself for a stroll down the street. Eye's looking forward so with another's not to meet. He feels a panic and he's heavily in fear. His outward world view finds no one sincere. Just a sweet boy giving all that he's got. To find one he loves he'll give it a shot. But he's a failed romantic, a bird with no bee. A sigh in self-loathing escapes his chest cavity. And he continues on a broken man. No one will ever be his fan.